philosophy « Donia’s Blog

Bad Blogger. Bad, Bad Blogger.

December 18, 2008 at 9:00 pm (family, husband, kiddos, philosophy)

I’m not a good blogger. I admit it. The fact is, I compose blog posts in my head all the time, but then I never really want to sit down and actually type them out. Lazy? Scared? Mostly apathetic, I guess. I’ve mostly just been apathetic about life in general these days. Which I guess beats being depressed, but just barely.

For weeks and weeks I’ve been thinking I need to post something, and each passing day puts more pressure on it to be a good one. But it won’t be. This will just be a whole lot of randomness. So here goes:

Tomorrow is my husband’s birthday (32, for inquiring minds that want to know). Happy Birthday, my sweet. I can’t imagine my life without you.
We returned from a (roughly) 4-day trip to Disneyworld, aka Parental Masochistic Capital of the World. It’s not so much the idea of a trip to a bunch of theme parks or that the vacation is geared toward the children. It’s that it gets taken to ultra-nauseating levels. I won’t confess to going quite that far, but it did seem depressing to watch it play out in other families. (It probably was us, too, but I don’t want to believe it.) Parents dragging their kids around, trying to ride as many rides as possible, get as many character autographs as possible, remortgaging their houses to pay for the flight, hotel, and theme park admission, then remortgaging them again to pay for the collectible/tradeable pins. They were $6-$15 each, and there were many kids wandering around with at least 25 on them. I don’t know. I can’t really find the right words to describe it, but it was sad. And it feels like a lifestyle being jammed down our generation’s throat. Child worship. I mean, I don’t want to go back to the “old days” when children couldn’t speak at the dinner table until spoken to or when they were expected to go away and play somewhere – anywhere – to be out from under their parents’ feet. But now with the world trending toward more danger for children every day, I don’t even dare let my kids out of my sight. I know I’ll have to let them be more independent at some point, but it’s scary to think about right now. So I clutch them to my chest, and alternate between feeling like I spoil them and feeling like I neglect them. Our culture really jams the child worshipping message down our throats. Ah, I’ve digressed. But I can’t help but feel sad at the things I witnessed at Disneyworld (Magic Kingdom, Animal Kingdom, Epcot, and Disney’s Hollywood Studios, thank you very much). Trying to buy happiness for our children, when often times all they want to do is sit down and play a board game with us.
P.S. If such a thing exists, I am to a vacation what a party pooper is to a party. Seth informs me I was better this time. But here is a picture of me, and I’m pretty sure this is how I looked the whole trip:
Bitchy me at Epcot

Don’t believe me?

Bitchy me at Magic Kingdom

I actually find this one quite humorous. I had to crop the picture so my facial expression would show up better, but in the complete picture, my scowl seems to be directed at my mother-in-law.

My goal, though, is to try to document more of the good things in my life, in the hopes that writing about them will help me savor and appreciate them. Examples of this include:

When Quinn and I were having a conversation, and he cocked his head to the side and said, “Well, you could just stonk it.” He had a very clear definition in his head of the word. It cracks me up even writing about it now.
When I was carrying Paige down the stairs, and she reached around and hugged/patted me on the back and said “We friend.”
When Kate offered to shovel the driveway for payment. When finished with the driveway, we asked if she was going to do the sidewalk, too. She asked if she would be paid more. (After all, we had agreed on shoveling the driveway, though the implication was the sidewalk, too.) When we agreed to pay her more, she went to work on the sidewalk. We have a LOT of sidewalk. I sent Seth out to offer to help her, and before agreeing to it, she wanted to know if she would still get paid the same amount. A shrewd businesswoman already. Good for her.

That’s all for now, but I’m going to try hard to write more often. Hopefully lots of good stuff amongst my ramblings on the state of my little part of the cosmos.

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Our sweet Kate

October 31, 2008 at 7:44 am (kiddos, philosophy)

Kate is our 8-year-old. She joined swim team this year because, as she puts it, she is “a fish”. She loves it so far.

I emailed her coach about getting her race results, and this is part of what he wrote back: “Kate is a joy to coach, she loves to do well, she loves to do things properly, she loves to lead, and to make it all better, she is always happy and pleasant to be around.” That’s what we hear from teachers, coaches, etc. We’re very proud of her for that. I’m writing this post in part just to brag about her for a little bit.

Partly, though, I’m writing this post because she’s decidedly NOT like this at home MOST of the time. If she’s getting her way, she’s fine. But of course she doesn’t get her way all the time. She has a very bad attitude when we practice piano. She says she’s horrible at it (she’s very good, actually), that she hates it, that I’m hard on her, that I expect her to be perfect. That’s hard to hear, because I don’t want her to feel we expect perfection. But to move on to the next song in piano, you do have to play the song you’re on without any mistakes, i.e. perfect! (Not really perfect, though, because I don’t insist on perfect technique on every single note, perfect rhythm, etc., but she doesn’t acknowledge that.)

We originally signed up for Suzuki piano lessons because we wanted to have a woman from our church as Kate’s piano teacher, and she happens to teach Suzuki. I think I’ve mentioned that before. It’s very demanding (of the parent), but I do like how well she can play music, scales, memorize pieces, do theory, etc. One quote of his is:

“The main concern for parents should be to bring up their children as noble human beings. That is sufficient. If this is not their greatest hope, in the end the child may take a road contrary to their expectations. Children can play very well. We must try to make them splendid in mind and heart also.”

The goal of this intensive program is not to produce a professional musician. It is for the student to play to the best of their abilities, while cultivating much more inside of them. For us, we wanted the kids to play piano. Now we see it (especially for Kate) as an area of emotional weakness for her. She really is a good piano player, but she doesn’t think so because it is hard for her. She doesn’t have to work hard at school; it just comes naturally to her. (She still doesn’t understand that.) So this is an area where I can sit down with her, one on one, and teach her how to deal with frustrations. Yes, this is hard. Yes, you want to quit. How are you going to handle that now? How are we going to reach the goal (of mastering a particular piece of music or scale)? If you get angry, does that help you play better? If you stay calm, does it?

Thus, piano is not only the hardest thing she does, but it’s also the hardest thing I have to do right now. I have wanted to quit! I’ve wondered lots of times if the time commitment is worth it. I think I have to remind myself that the results of it will not just be knowing how to read music and play the piano; it will be time spent together, and time spent teaching her how to handle the hard stuff in life.

Wiring

September 30, 2008 at 7:46 am (philosophy)

Well, for starters, one can write whatever one wants on one’s own blog. And I fully support that. Unfortunately, I don’t like what I’m writing on my blog. Yes, too boring. Yes, too depressing. In essence, too much like my real life that maybe I’m trying to avoid (or improve) in the blogosphere. It’s not that I want to be someone different on my blog than who I am in real life. It’s that I want to be someone different in real life, and then be that person on my blog. But when do you determine that you really can’t improve yourself because you’re being the absolute best you you can be. I’m wired differently than other people, just as they are wired differently than me. I occasionally read a woman’s blog who I pretty much want to be. Why can’t I be that way with my kids, write a great blog, look great, have a great attitude? Maybe wiring.

I guess I’ll keep trying to improve myself in real life (attitude, mostly), but my plan is also to try to write about my experiences in a more positive manner. Maybe by writing that way I can train my brain to think that way, instead of thinking so negatively. Particularly when it comes to my kids. Sigh. I wish they had a less negative mother. She’s loving, and hopefully attentive, but perhaps too distracted by her own shortcomings and mental roadblocks. Kids can read that. Maybe someday I’ll even be able to stop taking my anti-depressants! Maybe not. Again, wiring.

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30

August 18, 2008 at 7:15 am (philosophy)

OK, I haven’t written since June 3rd. I’ll address that in another post, and hopefully update you on our summer.

Right now, though, it is with much fanfare that I announce that it is my 30th birthday. I get a little depressed every year on my birthday, so being a little down this year is no surprise. I would say I’m not really any more depressed than usual, even though it is my 30th. I’m a little glad to say goodbye to my 20s. It was a busy and stressful decade.

20: got married and graduated from college
21: moved from Georgia to Vermont
22: had first baby, got post-partum depression, moved from Vermont to Minnesota
24: had second baby, no post-partum depression
26: moved to a different house in same town
27: oldest starts kindergarten, had third baby, got post-partum depression

And now I’m just hanging out here in Momland, DONE having babies. My original bout of post-partum depression basically just morphed into plain ‘ol depression, so I’ve been on two depression medications for 7 years with no end in site. I’d like to be off it, but when I’ve tried to taper down, my emotions go wacky.

I suppose everyone felt like this, but when I was about 18, I felt like I was destined for great things. I didn’t really expect or plan on getting married so young, having kids so young, ending my career so young… We felt it was important to not put our children in daycare, and I still feel very strongly about that. If we had waited to have kids and I had really developed a career, it might have been very hard to leave it. So in that respect, this might have been better for us. Still, we didn’t have much time just as a couple. Dealing with mental illness so early in our marriage was a strain on it.

Maybe I still can do great things (and I hope no one will hit me with “mothering is the greatest thing you can do”, because it’s only partially true), but I’m getting antsy. And I worry that I’ll compromise my beliefs as a parent to fulfill my personal dreams. I imagine that my beliefs about parenting and my dreams for myself personally can co-exist, but I haven’t figured out how yet. Guilt about that keeps my own happiness on the backburner. A lot of it stems from my childhood, where lots of things happened, but mostly lots of things didn’t happen. Like support from my parents. So I carry much emotional baggage in this area. If I wind up being a shell of a person after my “active mothering” phase is over, but my kids turn out well, I guess I’ll be ok with that. I’d rather that happen than I find out afterward that I really damaged my kids emotionally in pursuit of my own happiness. That’s not exactly what happened with my parents and me, but I fear that’s what could happen with me and my own kids.

So for now, I wait. And I’m trying to enjoy my kids, instead of constantly thinking about what they’re keeping me from doing. Which is a really awful thing to do, but as a stay-at-home mom, I’m pretty chained down by them. Again, I don’t want to compromise my parenting beliefs to make it easier on myself or allow myself to do more things. They know they are loved, and they know that when I do leave them in the care of a babysitter or something, that I’m coming back. They are comfortable without me. But I don’t think I should abuse that. I think them knowing I am there for them is very important, and right now, I don’t want to rock that boat. I have to try to keep all the bad stuff, the stuff regarding my personal desires and any rough emotions stemming from those not currently being fulfilled, hidden from them. My parents never put me first, and while I admit I err on the other end of the spectrum, I refuse to be like my parents. And what scares me most is that I am a LOT like my mom. A whole lot like her. So I’m fighting nature and nurture when it comes to parenting.

More about parenting at another time. I could write many posts about that. But for now, I’m turning 30 today (I think I was born in the evening, but I guess I’ll call myself 30 now). I meant to be somewhere by now, and really, I just feel like a lot of things are on hold. And that’s how it should be, but I never really got to get anything started. I was just discovering myself when I got married and had a child, and so I lost myself before I even found myself. And now is not a great time for finding myself. Takes a lot of time and energy, neither of which I have! And certainly depression tainted my 20s badly. If I could kick that, I’d really be feeling great.

Oh yes, and I meant to mention that at age 30, given my meager height of 5′ 2″ and my not so meager weight, the government officially deems me obese. Not in the overweight category, the obese category. Sigh. I’ve always been plump, but I never thought I was obese. Obviously my immediate health concerns me. But if I don’t get my eating under control, what about when I’m 40? Or 50? Is there a morbidly obese category? Luckily just because I’m overweight… er, obese… at 30 doesn’t mean I have to be that way forever. But it is a little sad that I’m not fit at this fairly young age. I will say I’m fighting genetics, but I definitely need to lose weight and get fit. I don’t mind exercising, but mostly I need eat right. And not so much. Maybe in this case the diet starts tomorrow. It is my birthday, after all.

Over and out for now. Happy birthday to me, eh? Who needs enemies when I have a brain like mine? I’ll try to be more positive from now on, but it definitely goes against my natural instinct. Unfortunately.

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Nutrition 101

May 14, 2008 at 12:06 pm (food, philosophy, things you shouldn't do)

I used to really, really crave Mexican food a lot. Especially during pregnancy, so you can imagine the heartburn. But even pre- and post-pregnancy. Recently, though, it hasn’t seemed so appealing. Good, but not “can’t live without”. I stopped and got Taco Bell for lunch today (actually, it was a Taco Bell/Pizza Hut, so Quinn got pizza because my kids won’t eat Mexican – even fake Mexican). It was ok. Maybe being over my Mexican cravings means I shouldn’t go to Taco Bell anymore, and I think my heart would thank me for that.

At any rate, and for whatever reason, I start thinking about nutritionally what are the best items to eat there. I mean, obviously it’s not diet food (even their “Fresco” menu), but there are certainly better and worse items. You know, the difference between and single and triple bypass? (Incidentally, I have a book called Restaurent Confidential that talks about restaurant food. It’s quite persuasive.) So I went to their web site and found their nutritional guide. There weren’t many surprises. I suspected chicken would be slightly better than beef, and that was indeed the case. I might switch to chicken, because frankly, when I really start thinking about the beef, it scares me. How do they get it so fine? Why does it ooze? Yes, chicken might be better for several reasons. But, and here was the biggest surprise, the single worst item on the menu for you (fat and calories)? The Fiesta Taco Salad. Yup, it beat out nachos Bell Grande by one fat gram and 70 calories. It’s not a surprise that a salad could be so bad for you (hey McD’s, not everyone wants bacon on their salad!), but a surprise that it took the very top honor.

And so, 45 minutes on the bike this morning was not nearly enough. Probably 4 hours would do it. Darn you, Taco Bell.

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Throwing a Dart

March 14, 2008 at 7:23 pm (family, philosophy)

How does a person figure out where s/he is going to live? I think even since before cars allowed people to live farther apart but still be able to reach things conveniently, it was a tough task. There are the biggies, like religious persecution, that cause people to seek other places to live – maybe even found new countries. There is the hindrance of money. I’m just never going to be able to live in the Hamptons (and I think I’m ok with that).

But let’s begin at the beginning, with a scene played out hundreds of thousands of times a year probably. A bright-eyed college grad (and in this case, her husband) open up a map (maybe figuratively) to decide where to plant some roots. College grad couple is in Georgia, family A is in Minnesota, family B is in North Carolina. Both members of couple have good degrees and can get work in virtually any major city in the US, and not barring language issues, the world. Hmm, there’s our first stumbling block. Will the first narrowing of options be based on language? Given that neither spouse is bilingual, it’s probably a good idea. It’s not necessary to eliminate every non-English speaking country. But it seems a logical way of narrowing the field. There are certainly a lot of countries still left in the running, though.

Well, about those countries, a lot of them are kinda far away. Like Australia. And winter is summer and summer is winter there. I think that might confuse our college grad. Or maybe it’s actually that here winter is summer and summer is winter. Don’t get me started on the haughtiness of us Northern Hemisphere-ians. But maybe that’s an opportunity again to make some eliminations. Yes, a lot of people emigrate to new countries (and then I think they immigrate, or else they would be stuck like Desmond was stuck a couple weeks ago – well, you know). I’m aiming for why the average Joe ends up where he does, and I don’t have any hard facts to back me up, but I still think the majority of people end up living within a few hundred miles of where they grew up. Or at least in the same country and part of country (not at all vague). But you know what I mean. The majority of people (over 51%) still go to college nearby where they grew up. Hey, state schools are cheaper and still pretty good! I – er – our college grad above flew the coop over 900 miles.

So somehow the average person has decided really to just search the current country s/he lives in. I don’t know why! Comfort, I guess. Life here is probably as good as life way over there; pretty comparable, probably. It’s tricky to move furniture, it’s tricky to learn a new language and/or culture, stressful to get used to a new way of life. Again, I stress that life here is probably different stylistically from over there, but the basic premise is the same – sleep, eat, work, play. There are more things to keep us here, like family and friends. Not that you can’t make new friends elsewhere, but watching people, it has been my experience that people have a hard time parting with old friends. Of course you have to make new friends, but old friends are deeper and harder to break from. You have history with old friends. You start making history with new friends, but it’s still less history than with old friends. And family. We’ll, you can’t really make new family, even if you wanted to (which we all sometimes do).

So let’s face it. Even in this global age, we still like to be physically close to those we care about. It’s just not the same hugging a web cam. In some ways it’s better, because your grandma can’t kiss you on the mouth (luckily my grandma doesn’t own a web cam, or she might try). But in most ways it’s worse. There is still this huge familial pull. I don’t know if it’s good or bad. There is certainly a lot of good to it, but I think people tend to underestimate the bad. Back to our happy couple for a moment. They decided that New England sounded nice, so proceeded to procure jobs and move to Vermont. Well, lots of things happened to make that not work out once there, but a biggie was being a plane flight away from BOTH family A and family B. Besides the lack of hugs, that just costs a lot of money and vacation time! So, slightly-less-happy couple moved to Minnesota, and is currently there. Spouse B would like to be closer to family B, and it is a huge pull. Why? Why why why? Frankly, I think there are better places to live than Rochester, Minnesota and Raleigh, North Carolina – weather-wise, standard of living, etc. But I don’t know that those other, better places are even options. And that makes me mad! I don’t want to have to factor in where all 50 of our combined extended family members live (combined in a sense of adding his to mine, not in the sense that we’re related other than via marriage). Why can’t we, as a couple, say: “City X, State Y is the place we want to live, work, play, and raise our kids. We would rather live there than anywhere else on Earth.” (And there are a lot of other anywheres, let me tell you.) It. just. doesn’t. work. that. way. I say again, that makes me mad!

Someone – anyone- who is fairly close to their family, tell me how one balances that family pull with asserting one’s independence and being in the place that makes them happy?

P.S. It’s not that I don’t like Rochester. It’s got a lot going for it. It’s quite a tech-y place given that it’s in rural Minnesota. But you know, the winters are a little long and the summers are a little short. It is a bit smaller than we would like, though Minneapolis and St. Paul are only an hour and a half away. But. Well. I think there’s more out there for me. And I want to have it. Maybe that’s selfish.

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